How to Build Resilience
Resilience is a real buzz word at the moment, and with the adversity being faced by many during the COVID-19 pandemic, the desire to develop it is probably more popular than ever. But what is resilience really?
Often, resilience is confused with the concepts of grit and toughness and is commonly described as the ability to “power through,” “push on” or “tough it out.” However, these aren’t just hallmarks of resilience; they are hallmarks of survival! It’s not about being impervious to negative emotions or unaffected by challenges and setbacks...
Resilience is about acknowledging the highs and lows in difficult circumstances and putting our energy and focus into doing more of what matters to us. That is truly resilient!
But many highly regarded and successful people have used these coping mechanisms of pushing through and powering on, and they have tried to frame them as resilience - so this might seem wrong to you.
Resiliency is not…
Being unaffected. For example, people may perceive something like hard wood to be resilient. Perhaps because when pressure is applied, it appears solid, unmoveable, and impenetrable.
Despite its “solid” appearance, constant external pressure will affect the integrity of the wood, and overtime it can snap and break apart! And, unfortunately, once a piece of hardwood has snapped, it can’t just be put back together….
Similarly, some people may outwardly seem unaffected by life’s stressors and challenges, while feeling physically and emotionally exhausted on the inside. Some people get through these tough moments by chanting all the cliches and sh*@t, generic inspirational quotes about staying strong to get them through. And although these quotes have their place, if used incorrectly (e.g., to nullify your true feelings), they can be really damaging!
Pressure can either burst a pipe or make diamonds.
If emotions are stuffed down, dismissed and not acknowledged, it’s likely they will “burst a pipe,” resulting in burn out, injury or other psychosomatic, physical, or psychological issues that once burst, can’t easily be repaired.
Diamonds are made 💎 when you accept and embrace the pressure!
Resiliency is…
Being flexible. A resilient individual is like bamboo. Although bamboo visibly bends when put under pressure, it can bear more weight and is able to quickly bounce back into shape when faced with pressure and “hard hits.”
Let’s not confuse pushing through with resilience here.
Resilience is about versatility and is related to the speed at which an individual can bounce back from setbacks and adversity rather than being unaffected at all!
Can resilience be developed?
In short.. Yes!!
Many people believe that some are just born with greater levels of resilience than others or narrow resilience down to their genetics or how they were shaped and formed by their experiences. While these factors contribute to resilience, if an individual is willing, resilience can be learnt, practiced and cultivated in anyone!
How you can cultivate resilience
Everyday we get introduced to a load of new and different factors about what we can do to improve our mental health and wellbeing. But life is messy, and overwhelming at times, and you can’t learn all of that at once!!!
What we can do is take these factors and condense them into a few key points!
1. Feel the feels
It’s okay to feel difficult emotions. One of the most toxic idea’s we have is that we always have to feel good.
It’s important to realise that it’s not our fault that we have a “negative” feeling, but rather our responsibility as to how we respond to it.
Unfortunately, when we hold the belief that we should always feel positive emotions, we can internalise that certain emotions are wrong to have and certain emotions are bad.
When we do this, we become less willing to experience negative emotions and feelings, and this creates a tonne of different problems.
If you are struggling with something and some “negative” emotions and thoughts are showing up, don’t try to stop yourself from feeling and thinking that way. Try something different: acknowledge and make room for them first.
Use the #Nameit2Tameit technique
Science tells us that something as simple as labelling a thought or emotions is an effective tool for managing difficult internal experiences and cultivating resilience¹! Give it a try, and let us know what you discover in the comments section below!!
For example: You could say to yourself “I notice I'm feeling... (sad),”
or, ''I notice I'm thinking... (“I suck at my job”)
2. Identify what matters most to you!
A lot of positive mental health and resilience comes from doing what matters, not from focusing on our emotions and trying to feel good all the time.
But we can’t do what matters, if we don’t know what truly matters to us! So, take a moment to reflect on what truly matters to you…
Imagine yourself at your eightieth birthday, where two or three people make speeches about what you mean to them, how you influenced their life, and what you stand for. In an IDEAL world, where you have lived your life as the person you want to be, think about what you would like to hear them saying?²
3. Then, do what matters!
Doing what matters and developing goals for the future is an excellent tool for developing resilience and handling difficult emotions during adversity and challenging moments. In the context of sport, doing what matters to you may look like: participating, encouraging others, connecting with your teammates, or developing a new skill.
Identifying what matters most to you is like buying a compass, it will help you to keep facing the right direction, even during storms (challenging moments). Allowing you to bounce back and get back on track after anchoring down for the night, day, or week of bad weather (emotional distress/adversity).
4. Set goals!
Setting milestones of where we want to go and when along the journey is also important for maintaining motivation and gaining a sense of achievement. It’s important to set goals in order to make a dream or an idea into reality.
Don’t just dream about getting a promotion at work, or getting into the top team in your sport, set some goals and make that dream a reality! You can check out my other blog, “An Introduction to Setting Effective Goals” to learn how to set action-based goals.
Feel the feels, identify what truly matters to you, set some goals and take action! Taking these steps will help you on your way to building greater resilience and to living a more rich and meaningful life.
For personalised support with developing resilience, book a session with Sabrina today!
How do you define resilience? What do you think resilience is not? Write your thoughts in the comments below.
References
Hayes, S. C., Luoma, J. B., Bond, F. W., Masuda, A., & Lillis, J. (2006). Acceptance and commitment therapy: Model, processes and outcomes. Behaviour research and therapy, 44(1), 1-25.
Harris, R. (2019). ACT Made Simple: An Easy-To-Read Primer on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (Second Edition).
